Let’s talk about toxic masculinity

Americans have a nasty habit of over-correcting. “This guy’s speech offends me! We need to ban offensive speech!” Classic example. You want to ban whatever you think is offensive because you got offended by something he said. Wonderful.

In the San Francisco area, we have folks who are not only ashamed to be Americans; they think masculinity is toxic. So, let’s have an honest discussion of toxic masculinity.

Several times, I’ve discussed alpha males vs cartoon males, because I’ll like to see a lot more alphas and a lot less cartoons. Feminists get their ideas of toxic masculinity from the cartoon male. Unfortunately, they love to paint the entire masculine community with their experiences with cartoon males.

They don’t understand the absurdity of that. It’s about as absurd as getting robbed by a gang from one country, and thinking everyone in that country is a criminal. Yes, it really is that absurd.

Let’s actually dissect the toxic masculinity arguments

I strongly believe masculinity is a good thing because men create. Look around you. Indoor plumbing? Invented by men. Planes, trains, and automobiles? All invented by men. Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Brahms, Wagner, Mendelssohn, Shakespeare? All men. When you start attacking the things that make men masculine, you lose the good stuff too.

So straight from the horse’s mouth, I’ll dissect toxic masculinity complaints.

Addressing their complaints…

The pervasive idea of male-female interactions as competition, not cooperation.

No shit. Only cartoon males see interactions as competition. Oh, and beta males too because they’re passive aggressive as they never learned how to speak directly, so they’ll sabotage you when they can’t have you. I cooperate with my wife and the women I hire because it’s in my best interest. And also, it’s the right thing to do.

The pervasive idea that men cannot truly understand women, and vice versa–and following, that no true companionship can be had between different sexes.

Really? I understand women just fine. In fact, several of my most emotionally intimate friends are women.

The expectation that Real Men are strong, and that showing emotion is incompatible with being strong. Anger is either framed as the exception to the rule, or as not an emotion.

See, there’s the classic problem where you can’t tell the difference between strength and anger. The problem is you, sweetheart, not me.

Relatedly, the idea that a Real Man cannot be a victim of abuse, or that talking about it is shameful.

This is going away really fast. You’re talking about the past, not the present. I’ve had some pretty intense talks about abuse and for privacy’s sake, I won’t share them here.

Sexual issues, anyone?

Men are just like that: the expectation that Real Men are keenly interested in sex, want to have sex, and are ready to have sex most if not all times

That’s a bad thing? Guess what? I’ve met women too who think about sex all the time. I love those women! Now, we’re seeing it’s really you who has issues. You’re sexually frustrated and you hate men because the right men don’t want to fuck you.

The idea that Real Men should be prepared to be violent, even when it is not called for.

The first part is correct. Real Men should know how to defend themselves and their loved ones from violence. The second part, once again, you’re talking about a cartoon male like Aaron Hernandez. The problem is you. You cannot differentiate between the two.

Though not reinforced much in fictional media, in real life it is widely expected that a man would abandon his pregnant girlfriend, and is incapable and/or unwilling to take responsibility.

Are you fucking kidding me? Try this in California and see what happens. Obviously whoever wrote this has no knowledge of law whatsoever.

Authors hang around nothing but cartoon males?

The myth that men are not interested in parenting, and are inherently unsuited to be single parents.

Wow. Now I’m seeing that whoever wrote this hangs around all the wrong men. Most men I know are pretty good parents. If their wives died or left them, they’d definitely step up to the plate.

Emasculation: the idea that there is a range of feminine interests and activities a Real Man would not hold, and that disprove a man’s masculinity regardless of his other actions.

Masculinity has a lot of depth. And it’s a lot more complicated than these writers portray it.

Do I frown on men crying? Situational. Of course I won’t frown on a man crying if his dog or if his mother just died. If we’re in a combat situation, my friends better keep their wits or else we’re all going to get killed.

Do I care if a man cares about his looks? Seriously? I wrote a blog post on taking your looks seriously and that’s for both men and women. I’ve even written some skin care tips for men.

They have some other examples but I have some pretty important things I have to take care of.

My last word on toxic masculinity

From experience, the people who use this term are bitter and resentful people. They’ve had bad experiences with men and falsely attribute those experiences with all men.

It would be as absurd as if I got cheated on and decided that all women cheat. It’s an absurdity, but they live in an echo chamber and are unwilling to see the world for how it really is.

Most men and most women are complex creatures. I find a lot of people from both genders fascinating, and my closest friends are about evenly split between the genders. My closest friends have a lot of depth to them. That’s why I’m close. I don’t get close to shallow people.

The whole toxic masculinity bullshit comes down to one of those – it’s not me, it’s you. Time to look in the mirror, sweetheart, and figure out why you keep ending up with cartoon males instead of real men. And stop painting all men with your very limited encounters.


Roman is an artist, composer, writer, and travel junkie.

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